Snapshots of Dementia: The Longest Yard
I’ve had it!” my friend said. “I’m so tired of doing everything around here! She used to care so much about having a nice home. Now all she does is sit in front of the TV.”
His words about his wife, who is living with dementia, reminded me of a time in our lives in 2015—more than four years before Tom was diagnosed. He seemed more tired every night than he had in the past, and I wondered if he was aging prematurely or perhaps just differently than I.
And I really wondered about his obsession with simple computer games. In the evenings or on weekends, he would sit in front of his laptop for hours, not watching TV or engaging with me, just playing the same game over and over.
In the meantime, I was either doing housework or working on a freelance assignment or walking the dog or. . . you get the picture. But what I didn’t do was lawn care.
Our house in Florida didn’t have much of a yard; a pool and lanai (screened porch) took up most of the backyard. Mowing the grass didn’t take much time, but throughout our marriage, Tom had never wanted me to take on that chore anyway. And since I’m allergic to almost every kind of grass, I never minded.
Over the past year or so, he had done less and less with our yard. But suddenly, he wasn’t taking care of the lawn at all. We had no children left at home, so we couldn’t assign this chore to one of them. The grass that had almost taken over some of the beds around the lanai was growing again, and I just couldn’t take on this job too.
So—long before I took charge of our finances and every other aspect of our lives—I contacted a friend who has a lawn business. He and his team quickly got our yard back into shape, all while Tom and I were out of town, then continued servicing the lawn every week.
What should have seemed strange was that Tom never objected to nor seemed grateful for this plan. In the past, paying someone for something he could do would not have been his idea of a wise expenditure. But he never said a word. In fact, only a few months after I hired the lawn service, Tom sold our lawnmower for a ridiculously low price to a neighbor who needed one.
I was amazed. Was he planning never to mow the lawn again?
Now that I know that he was at least on his way toward LWD, I know he didn’t have a plan at all. His day job was consuming most of his energy, and he couldn’t organize his free time enough to include regular chores.
Back when I was wondering if Tom had dementia, I never thought to look up his lack of interest in household chores as a sign or symptom. I wish I had, because I see descriptions such as “loss of initiative” or “difficulty performing familiar tasks” on lists like this.
But back when I first noticed Tom’s disinterest in lawn care, dementia hadn’t yet hit my radar. In fact, as I checked to see when I first hired the lawn service, I was surprised to see just how early this lack of interest in household tasks began.
I am not trying to say Tom was lazy. In his professional life, he was a dedicated pastor, often spending too many hours a week on his ministry tasks and hours practicing his trumpet as well. And although he was never a person who loved working around the house, he would not typically watch me work while he sat and did nothing.
Not until he was LWD, that is. And although today I still work to give him significant tasks tasks, his ability to perform them continues to decline.
Has someone you love stopped showing interest in household chores? Have they stopped taking initiative in tasks of daily living? You may not need to visit a neurologist, but you do need to pay more attention than I did.
Consider whether your loved one is exhibiting any of the signs of possible dementia listed here or here, and talk with other family members or close friends about what they may have observed.
If our family had known more sooner, we might have escaped some problems. And that’s why I take time to write these snapshots: to help others avoid some of the mistakes I made.
Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below or on social media. Our story matters—and so does yours.
Because of your story, I started recognizing symptoms with my husband about 6 months ago, and the ones you mention here – are exactly what got my attention. He takes little interest in anything now, watching TV all day long, playing games on his tablet. I’ve had to take over all the household chores, and even the simplest of tasks – like flipping his eggs for breakfast – have become almost impossible. His doc gives him standard cognitive tests, and says he’s fine.
And then … I’ve just received an unexpected major health diagnosis myself that is going to put me out of commission for a little while, with surgery and treatments, and he is not processing that at all. So life is going to be challenging this year.
Oh gracious, my heart goes out to you! I am glad you paid attention to these “little things.” I will be praying for you. I’m thankful you recognize that the “fine” diagnosis from the standard tests does not give the whole picture. May God carry through you all the days ahead.