Snapshots of Dementia: Significant Tasks
A big part of my writing life has come through my relationship with Dr. Walker Moore of Back 40 Ministries. He and I have collaborated on three books and worked together in both his former and his current ministry as well as on the mission field. I’ve also edited his weekly column in the Oklahoma Baptist Messenger for a number of years, and we’ve shared in other publishing projects as well.
One of my favorite teachings in our book Rite of Passage Parenting and its companion workbook is the concept of a significant task: a special assignment that demonstrates an individual’s worth to the people who are important to them. For a four-year-old, a significant task might be emptying the wastebaskets or helping sort laundry. For a fifteen-year-old, a significant task might be changing the oil in the car or taking responsibility for a part of the family budget. Those who don’t have significant tasks often look for significance elsewhere—often in inappropriate ways and places.
I realized not long after Tom’s official diagnosis that one of the wounds for people living with dementia comes from the loss of their significant tasks. Near the end of 2018, Tom experienced the loss of his worship pastor job followed by the loss of the ability to hold a job at all. Within a few months, our family also asked him to stop driving—another loss of a significant task. And before all this, when he secretly gave away thousands of dollars to online scammers, I took over our finances and removed yet another significant task.
I didn’t want to manage everything, and my personality is by no means controlling. But Tom’s dementia has meant I have no choice but to be in charge of our significant tasks. So how can he still know he has value and purpose?
My solution has been to let Tom be as responsible as he is able as long as he is able. These are his primary significant tasks:
— Coffee Service: Tom loves coffee; I do not, so he’s almost always made the coffee in our home. Before we sold our Florida house, our son had to repair a warped kitchen drawer because Tom had forgotten to put the carafe under the coffeemaker so many times. A few years ago, our wise children gave him a coffeemaker that dispenses only a cup at a time. Tom still has frequent spills (yesterday’s soaked two bath towels plus), and I often find him reading the instruction sheet for the coffeemaker over and over. I’ve started helping him more, but I want him to keep this task as long as he can because it means so much to him.
— Water Delivery: I don’t drink coffee, but I do drink at least one large travel mug of hot water or hot tea every day. When we moved to South Carolina and I went back to working from home, I asked Tom if he would bring the water to me at my desk. He can still perform this task, although he almost always forgets for a few hours. I try to let him remember on his own and always thank him. If he keeps having trouble with coffee spills, this task will have to change as well.
— Trash and Recycling: Tom still wheels our trash to the curb every week, although he rarely remembers trash day. Once every few weeks, we take our recyclables to the local center. He helps me put the bins in the car, but this task has changed over time. I used to let him unload everything; now, I help him because he can’t always put the right product in the right place. I also have to make sure he remembers to return the bins to the car.
— Filling the Gas Tank: When Tom stopped driving, he started filling up the car for me whenever we stopped for gas. A year or so ago, he started getting mixed up about how and where to insert the credit card and even which nozzle to use, so I now get out of the car to assist. He doesn’t seem to notice that I’m quietly correcting his mistakes; he’s just happy to perform the task.
— Music Ministry: Tom can no longer direct a choir or play more than short songs on his trumpet, but he can still sing and (for the most part) follow sheet music. When he feels good enough, we still sing in two choirs connected to our church: the adult choir and a senior adult choir that ministers in nursing homes and other adult care centers. Tom loves singing and loves encouraging the nursing home residents so much that I’ve changed my work schedule so we can serve this way more often. I know we’ll keep going as long as he can.
— Turtle Care: I wrote here about Tom’s love for turtles and how our oldest daughter and her students built a newer, safer turtle pen for him. One of the reasons we invested in this project is that the turtles also give him a significant task. He feeds them, gives them water, and as cold weather nears, makes sure they have a way to stay warm while hibernating. I supervise all of this more than in the past, but he’s loved caring for turtles since he was a little boy, and I know it still gives meaning to his life.
And that’s the key. Tom cannot perform many of what professionals term activities of daily living on his own—things such as meal preparation, driving, and managing his medication. But he can still do the tasks I’ve listed, and they help give him purpose. As one created in the image of God, he will have value even when he can no longer do any of these tasks, significant or not. But because I want him to recognize his own value, I’ll keep finding tasks he can do—no matter how simple they may become or how much help he may need along the way.
Do you have a friend or loved one living with dementia? Do you see a need for significant tasks in their life? What significant tasks are they still able to perform? Feel free to share your thoughts on social media or in the comments below. Our story matters, and so does yours.
