Snapshots of Dementia: Pluses in the Minus

Posted by Marti on October 7, 2023 in Dementia | 1 comment

Dementia steals. Dementia kills. Dementia destroys.  

Those of you familiar with Scripture will recognize that these are all tactics of the enemy of our souls. I have no doubt that Alzheimer’s and all dementia originates in his domain. 

But with or without familiarity with Scripture, you’ll recognize that I am a person of faith—a faith that has sustained me while Tom is living with dementia. As a result, I believe God can bring good for him, for me, and for others even in this present darkness. 

Dementia has indeed brought some positives into our lives. Many of these are small—but then again, small things are often the most essential.

Here are a few ways the fact that Tom is LWD has added to rather than subtracted from our lives. Dementia has: 

• Moved me into a new position of strength. As I’ve written before, throughout our marriage, I too often stayed in the background, letting Tom take the lead even in areas where I was potentially more capable. Dementia has forced me to assume more responsibility, to do more and, more importantly, to be more than ever before. In this way, it has helped me grow into the person God knew I was all along. 

• Brought our family closer in fresh ways. I don’t think we “needed” dementia to help our relationships; we were already a loving, caring, imperfect family who enjoy spending time together. But without dementia, I doubt we would have moved as close to two of our daughters as we live now, much less had our son move in with us for a season. I doubt we would see our grandsons as regularly as we do or had the opportunity to attend so many ball games, school events, and birthday parties. We wouldn’t have heard first words or seen first smiles. We wouldn’t have had the opportunity to see our kids and their spouses step in when we had no choice but to call for help—both now and in times to come. 

• Moved us to the receiving end of ministry. We’ve given days and years to serving God, often through the church. For the first time in most of our forty-year-plus marriage, we now give much less than we receive. In the simple prayers Tom prays with me at morning and night, he almost always thanks God for our church. I know the gifts of relationships and kindness the many friends from our churches, past and present, bring our way lie behind his gratitude—and mine too. 

• Slowed us down. For our final years in Orlando, Tom and I were both working full time—and for me, that meant my first time of employment outside the home since our oldest daughter was an infant. I also kept some of my previous freelance work, which meant that between 2016-2018, I was working an average of sixty hours a week, added to Tom’s similar hours as a minister of music and pastoral care.

Today, although I still work full time and sometimes more, I work from home, stopping multiple times a day to help him and make sure he’s safe. He doesn’t hesitate to ask me for help, and I always have an ear out for him and his activities. Because he gets tired easily, we spend more days at home with me working and him in his recliner than we do out and about. This smaller, slower lifestyle—including the flowers I can also check on during the day or the birds I can see right outside my office window—helps me cope in what could often seem like a season of stress.  

• Helped us appreciate simple gifts. Tom’s contentment with everyday pleasures has spilled over to me. As Andrew noted, his dad is as happy with a trip to Wendy’s for a Frosty as he was with their much more involved trek to Ohio State. His delight in simple meals, a visit from a friend, or the laughter of either of our grandsons helps me remember that what matters most is often extravagant only in terms of love. 

• Brought us nearer to God. I don’t know if Tom is more dependent on God than in the past, but I do know he still has spiritual awareness and concern. I also know that, even as he declines, I grow in my dependence on my heavenly Father. I’ve shared before that, as the disease progresses, Tom becomes less and less my husband and more and more my child. But whenever I sense a particular lack, God has faithfully filled in those gaps by providing what I need in the exact way I need it.

Truly, He is a father to the fatherless and defender of widows. Even when the “widow” has a husband who is LWD. 

If you or someone you know is LWD, what positives have you seen the disease bring? Can you relate to any of those I’ve listed, or do you have others? Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below or on social media. Our story matters—and so does yours.