Snapshots of Dementia: My Favorite Things
When Julie Andrews sang it, it sounded like so much fun: “I simply remember my favorite things/ And then I don’t feel/ So bad.”
When you are living with dementia, can’t think much beyond the moment, and have a memory that grows shorter by the day, you remember your favorite things—and stick with them. In Tom’s case, as in the case of many people living with dementia, the familiar and favorite have become the essential. For him, “favorite things” include:
Music: Since Tom was a professional musician and worship pastor, music comes first. Although he doesn’t listen to music as often as before he was LWD, he still loves it. He owns about 30 Christmas CDs, but this year, he played only two—multiple times. If you get him talking about jazz, he’ll want to share YouTube clips of favorite bands, although he’ll need help to find them. His smaller memory has compressed his list of favorites, but he still knows what he likes.
Radio: Tom has a regular weekday and weekend morning regimen of radio programs. We’ve lived in South Carolina for more than three years, but he still insists on streaming the same Orlando NPR station he enjoyed on his morning drive to work. On Saturdays, after he’s finished with the NPR lineup, he listens to children’s programs on a California station—the same one we listened to every Saturday when we lived in Oceanside many years ago.
Television: His television tastes vary a bit more than his radio ones, but not much. For a while, he would watch repeated clips of The Carol Burnett Show and a few other childhood favorites. For the past couple of years, he’s only watched a few new programs. We’re now on the fourth round of one of his favorite shows, Blue Bloods. He enjoys the repeated episodes as if watching them for the first time—because with such a short memory, he is.
Books: With my help, Tom still checks out books from the library, reading mostly digital books on his iPad. As with television, he understands largely in the moment and can’t often explain or describe the content. Except for his morning Bible reading, he doesn’t read every day, and he reads and rereads only a few favorite authors and books.
Electronic Games: Before his diagnosis, I despaired of the time he spent playing what seemed like mindless games on his laptop. Now, he plays games on his iPad, mostly a golf game he’s enjoyed for years (although he now plays at a much lower level) and a series of word games (with frequent help from me). These all cause a certain level of frustration, but he returns to his favorites every day.
Clothes: If I weren’t watching, I’m sure Tom would wear the same clothing all week, partly because he would forget to change and partly because he prefers his favorites. I still choose my battles and don’t insist that he vary his wardrobe too much, but after discovering that he often hangs up dirty clothes, I keep a watch on the closet.
Foods: These range from Wendy’s Frostys to cheeseburgers to his beloved coffee. He doesn’t get upset when I switch up our menu, but the most familiar remain his favorites. The biggest change while LWD is that, because dementia has stolen his sense of smell, his sense of taste has also diminished. To help compensate, he uses more salt and pepper than in the past and also insists that his food be flaming hot.
People: Nowadays, Tom has certain favorite people too. Of course, this is true even for those of us who are not LWD. But Tom tends to become obsessive with his friends, not always observing appropriate social boundaries. He may engage them in overly long conversations or seek them out while ignoring others, including me. Behaviors like this used to concern me, but now, for the most part, I Resist the Urge to Explain (or complain!).
Knowing the importance of favorite things has helped me when we travel. I’ve learned that Tom does much better if, for example, he has WiFi so he can listen to his favorite NPR station and play his online golf game. I pack his favorite clothing and take along his favorite coffee creamer. None of this takes a great deal of time or effort, but since his favorite things make him more comfortable, I want to provide as many as I can.
Along with the challenges of caring for a person LWD comes the extra challenge of realizing that one day, he may not insist on his favorite NPR station or care if his food is hotter than hot. He won’t pull out the same sweater every Sunday; in fact, he may lose the ability to dress himself or even tell me what he wants.
If I get upset about anything, it’s not that Tom has so many favorite things. It’s that someday, he may not have any at all.
If you or someone you know is living with dementia, what favorite things do they have? What adjustments have you made to accommodate these very particular likes and dislikes? What advice do you have for other care partners for those LWD? Feel free to share your thoughts in the comment section below or on social media. Our story matters—and so does yours.
My husband is living with dementia and has worn the exact same shirt to church (and only to church) for two years. Sadly, he has declined so much that he no longer gets to church. Other “favorites”: he fixed the same breakfast daily for years and completely covered his fried egg with pepper!
Ohio State football – it eventually became the only thing he watched on TV and I could accommodate him with recorded games.
I’m so sorry, Carol. I can believe that about the pepper; we go through it so fast now! As for the Ohio State football–well, if Tom ends up only watching that, he’ll have company in this Buckeye! Thanks for sharing your thoughts.