Snapshots of Dementia: 5 Ways Parenting Prepared Me for Caregiving

Posted by Marti on April 15, 2022 in Dementia | 2 comments

“It must be so hard.” 

“I know you didn’t expect this.” 

“No one thinks about this when they say their wedding vows.” 

I’ve heard all the above comments my status as the spouse of a person living with dementia. All are true. But, like almost any other statement someone might make, none reflects the full picture. 

Yes, it is hard. No, I didn’t expect it. And no, I didn’t think about this particular situation when I said my wedding vows—although I did, and do, believe “for better or worse” means exactly that. 

Of course, my faith also means I believe God knew Tom and I would one day find ourselves here. Not only that, but I also believe He prepared me for the role of care partner long before I ever officially (and, before that, unofficially) accepted that assignment. 

One of the ways He did this was by allowing me the privilege of parenting five children. Parenting shaped my life and my character in significant ways, many of which made me the person I am today.  

Of course, I am neither a perfect parent nor a perfect caregiver, and I hope my writings in this blog and elsewhere never imply that. Instead, I consider myself a grateful parent and caregiver who knows God has called her to this specific assignment at this specific time and done what He always does when He gives an assignment: prepared me to accept it and equipped me to pursue it.  

Here are five ways I believe parenting prepared me for my current role: 

1) Parenting taught me patience. Parents either learn patience or make themselves and their children crazy. Of course, patience is also a fruit of the Spirit, so I have some supernatural assistance in this area. Whether in dealing with Tom’s obsessive behavior, repeating an answer to a question he has already asked multiple times, or following behind him to close doors/pick up dishes/retrieve misplaced items, I need lots of patience. Every day. 

2) Parenting made me flexible. My experience both as a parent and as a sometime-missionary taught me to go with the flow. When I first took a 9-5 job after many years at home, one of my coworkers told me I was the most laid-back person he had ever met. But that didn’t always describe me. Once again, God used my parenting experience to help me realize things don’t always go as anticipated and that getting upset helps no one. When Tom takes longer than I expected to get for an activity even when I’ve allowed what I thought was extra time, or when his dementia means our plans must change on short notice, this quality has served me well.  

3) Parenting helped me become a better listener. Almost every mom will tell you she hears what her kids say and learns to hear what they don’t. As children grow, they tend to tell their parents less. A wise mother learns to interpret attitudes behind actions, capitalize on what are often rare moments of openness, and catch the unspoken behind the overt. As Tom moves further in his dementia journey, his language skills are declining. He says less, and what he does say may come out halting or confused. I’ve learned to discern (most of the time) when his statements are not grounded in reality. I’ve learned either to disregard what he says when it doesn’t matter or gently guide him toward truth when it does. Either way, I must listen, and listen well. 

4) Parenting pushed me to put others first. Yes, this is a basic Christian principle—but it’s also something that parenting built into my life in practical ways. Though situations differ, I’ve seen parents with recurring problems that stemmed from a failure to put their child’s needs above their own. In my current role, I have little choice but to put my husband’s needs first. His decreasing level of understanding, his physical limitations, and his inability to consider his own safety all mean I must consider his needs first—because he can’t. 

5) Parenting made me do hard things. We often call this “adulting”—taking care of the tasks no one wants but responsible people must do. I remember thinking I would never be able to clean up after a child who vomited or make a quick decision in an emergency. Parenting introduced me early on to both of those circumstances, along with many more. By the grace of God, I rose to the occasion each time. Since I’m now responsible for every task and decision, large and small, financial, spiritual, or personal, I’m grateful I already learned to do hard things. Someone must—and it can’t be the person living with dementia.  

If you are caring for someone living with dementia, how has your own previous life situation—parenting or something else—prepared you? What life lessons has God brought you that equipped you for your current role? Please share on social media or in the comments below. Our story matters—and so does yours.